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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25994677">Knife Going In</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysinrainymood/pseuds/alwaysinrainymood'>alwaysinrainymood</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>My Chemical Romance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, F/M, M/M, Open Relationships, Sad Ending, implied polyamory</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:48:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25994677</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysinrainymood/pseuds/alwaysinrainymood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank thought he was lucky enough to have more than one love for a lifetime, and also for being so sure of the freedom and reciprocity he received on both sides of his life.<br/>And then, ten minutes and big news later, everything is twisted upside down.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Jamia Nestor, Lindsey Ballato/Gerard Way</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Knife Going In</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            A translation of

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24950068">Knife Going In</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysinrainymood/pseuds/alwaysinrainymood">alwaysinrainymood</a>.
        </li>

    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Knife going in (acoustic version) - Tegan and Sarah</b>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em> October 2008 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Frank’s vision was always blurry at mornings. It always took him a few seconds to see the least of where he was. The morning confusion, for him, was always longer than for most people.</p><p>Except that he was <em> here.</em> The soft shaking of the bus came before the visual identification, and he felt better. He felt home. Especially when his sheets had <em> that </em> smell, which always came along with a warm and solid body, inches away. </p><p> </p><p>He sighed, moving around on bed until he was lying on his back. Rubbed his eyes, annoyed with the blurriness still messing up with his vision, but still sleepy enough to take advantage and keeping his eyes closed for a little longer. His mind was still in the thin line between staying conscious and unconscious - his memories of the night before were real, but he was seeing them in his mind like they were part of a dream.</p><p>Well, because since the beginning of this tour, he felt like he was actually living a dream. The truce in all of the fights was lasting longer than Frank hoped for, and the band was as united as it was in its beginning. Almost every night, he was doing what he loved the most, with the people he loved the most. And he was sure that Jamia was waiting for him at home, taking care of their business, and his recent wedding was in the most perfect peace and order.</p><p>He allowed himself to smile, still sleepy. One of his arms covered his eyes, and he was imagining his wife back home, together with their dogs. Or going to the office everyday, taking care of their business, taking the best decisions for their future. Frank felt how much he missed her in his heart, but, at the same time, he felt good - Jamia was his safeness, and she got him better than himself. She trusted herself, and trusted Frank, and trusted their relationship so much, she could give up on the selfishness and possessiveness that Frank himself had difficulties to deal with. </p><p>Jamia was his best decision, the “I do” he’d say a million more times, in how many lives he’d need to. </p><p>He took a deep breath, feeling his chest getting warm. A year ago, he never thought things could be like <em> this </em>. He never thought he’d get everything sorted out, and that his life, even after all turns, would bring him here.</p><p>He moved once more on the mattress. And even though he was far away from his wife, he longed for the body he fell asleep attached to. With his eyes still shut, he ran his hands through the sheets. And reached out more. And more.</p><p>Frank opened his eyes when he realized he was alone in the bunk. He moaned lowly, unhappily, but brought his arm close to his own body and closed his eyes again. Gerard probably went out to have a coffee. He already knew all the older man’s habits, and knew that Gerard would always wake up with a headache motivated by caffeine absence. </p><p>He smiled again, thinking, now, about the other love of his life. Frank considered himself the world’s luckiest person, because he could say he had not only one, but <em> two </em> loves of his life. Gerard was all the reverse of Jamia - <em> un </em> safeness, <em> in </em>constancy, the biggest mess he’s got into -, but, still, he was as true as her. As intense as her, as certain as her. And Frank, just like he’d do with Jamia, would say the same “I do”, in the same million times, in the same necessary lives. </p><p>He took another deep breath, remembering last night, and remembering all the nights before, the ones he’d spent with Gerard. It’s been a while since Gerard didn’t know how it was to sleep in his own bunk, because since the beginning of this tour, he’d spend all of them with Frank, right here. Breaking all the protocols of not having sex on the bus, waiting until all if their bandmates were asleep to be, at least, more discreet in their actions.</p><p>Not that it was always possible - sometimes, they were so turned on and the sex was so intense, that not even hands on their mouths or bitten pillows could muffle the noises that came out with no permission. Especially the ones that came from Gerard, who, though he would never admit, was the loudest of them. And at each time Frank <em> fucked </em> him into the mattress, in the tight room they had, it got harder and harder not to wake everybody up (and maybe <em> that </em> was the reason behind Mikey’s sleeping pills).</p><p>Okay, Gerard would probably disagree, and say that <em> Frank </em> was the one who couldn’t <em> shut up </em> whenever he’d put his ass up and let his mouth run all over his body. And how could Frank deny? Gerard - and Jamia, and whoever else who heard their actions in places where they had <em> no </em> privacy - already knew that any caresses <em> there </em> were Frank’s weaknesses. It was too much, and never enough. His body and his voice acted by themselves.</p><p>The guitar player growled to himself, noticing how hard he was. It was natural, he just woke up, but his thoughts and memories were not helping. He took his hand to his cock, his intention was to just comfort himself. He wouldn’t wank now, he wanted to wait until Gerard was back, in a better mood and smelling like coffee, and then they could decide what they would do. Or maybe, they’d do nothing. By the light coming through the dark curtain, and because he knew the bus routine so much, told him it couldn’t be later than 9 am. That meant they’d have enough time to lay here for at least half an hour, and do absolutely nothing. Staying attached to Gerard’s body was enough, and nowadays it would bring as much pleasure as a quick blowjob, or a handjob.</p><p><em> Anything was enough </em>, he thought. Frank was thankful enough to be happy with any physical interaction, regardless if it was sexual or not. After Gerard’s messy marriage - and thinking about those times made Frank shiver - and everything that came after that - the countless fights, the hurt and disappointment - any uncommitted hugs, natural caresses, quick kisses and sleeping on the same bed were things Frank could never imagine to share with Gerard again. And sex… For months, he truly believed he would have to deal with only memories forever.</p><p>Maybe his judgment of Gerard’s wife was unfair. She was just so sudden, so fast in changing Gerard’s destiny and, in consequence, Frank’s destiny too. She pulled Gerard away, and Frank thought he’d stay away, but he was wrong. Apparently, from what Gerard let slip between the lines, she was not as open as Jamia. She couldn’t understand the meaning of a non-possessive relationship, and how being committed with someone <em> didn’t </em> stop anybody from being committed with <em> another </em>, at the same time. She felt uncomfortable, and probably was still uncomfortable, but she’d rather lose the saddle than the horse.</p><p>Frank truly didn’t care. Regardless of the way Gerard’s wife dealt with this situation, it didn’t stop them from living what was already theirs, way before she came into Gerard's life. Their relationship had nothing to do with their wives, everything could be conciliated if they <em> wanted </em> to. Frank was the living proof of that, with his decade old solid relationship, even though Frank shared the same solidness with someone else.</p><p>Gerard’s wife had to get used to it. She had no other choice.</p><p>He moved around again. All his thoughts about Jamia and Gerard’s wife pushed him out of unconsciousness. He was fully awake now, but still not wanting to get up. He rubbed his eyes again and opened them, and now he could see the bed above him and the half open curtain, a trail of Gerard’s hurry in getting up. The guitar player reached out and opened the rest of the curtain, seeing the beds in front of him still closed. He stretched as he could, yawning. Thought about getting up, going to the bathroom and having breakfast. But it was so warm and comfortable here...</p><p>“Gerard,” he called, with  the lowest voice he had. “Gee?”</p><p>Frank heard something falling on the floor on the other part of the bus and laughed. Pushed the hair away from his eyes, waiting until Gerard came into the bunk area.</p><p>But he didn’t.</p><p>“Gerard?” He called again.</p><p>The steps came closer. Slower than normal. Frank put his head out of the curtain.</p><p>“Hi, Frank,” he almost whispered. His face was a little weird, Frank noticed, but it could be from sleep.</p><p>“Good morning,” he smiled. “Woke up early?”</p><p>“Yeah, hm… Lyn called me.”</p><p>The weirdness on Gerard’s face was also on his voice. Frank frowned, worried.</p><p>“Did something happen?”</p><p>Gerard kept silent, but his thoughts echoed through the bus. Frank knew that face very well - it always meant the older one was in an intense fight with himself, and he couldn’t say anything. Worried, Frank reached out his hand.</p><p>“What’s wrong, Gee? Is she okay? What happened?”</p><p>Gerard took a long breath and looked at Frank’s hand, still in the air. Then he looked at his eyes and licked his lips. And finally, he moved closer. Got on his knees in front of the bed and touched Frank’s hand, paying attention to his fingers.</p><p>“She’s fine.”</p><p>“What happened then?”</p><p>“I…” Frank saw his throat moving. And then, he blinked three times, quickly. “Can I lie there with you?”</p><p>Frank didn’t even answer, just moved his body backwards, giving Gerard enough room to get in. And he did, closing the curtain behind himself. They looked at each other's eyes, Frank caressing his cheeks, the signs of a thin beard starting to grow on Gerard’s chin. He got closer and kissed his lips.</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“Lindsey called to tell me something. It seems like she got the result of a test.”</p><p>“Oh. Yeah?” Frank raised his eyebrows, still busy caressing Gerard’s face. “You just said she’s fine.”</p><p>“She is,” he nodded. “She has been feeling weird for the last weeks, so she went to a doctor and… The results came out now.”</p><p>“And what is it that she has?”</p><p>Gerard didn’t answer. He was still silent, thinking about what he would say. The words seemed to be so heavy in his own mind, he couldn’t pronounce them. He swallowed again, his hands moving up through Frank’s arms, his soft skin hidden by the white shirt. He took his time, thoughtful.</p><p>“Gerard? What is wrong with her?”</p><p>“She… She…” Gerard stopped his hands. Breathed in through his mouth and exhaled. “She’s pregnant.”</p><p>Frank’s breath got caught in his chest. Lindsey was pregnant; Lindsey was pregnant, <em> Lindsey was pregnant </em> . A baby. Gerard would be a dad, <em> Gerard would be a dad. </em></p><p>Frank’s mind flied through images of Lindsey with a big belly, growing and nourishing Gerard’s baby. And then Gerard with a baby in his arms, thrilled by the emotion of a second (or third, or fourth, considering what Frank thought himself as, or about what Gerard considered Lindsey) part of himself. And then, he thought of a toddler, learning how to walk and talk, and calling him daddy.</p><p>Frank blinked.</p><p>“Pregnant?”</p><p>Gerard nodded.</p><p>But how could she be pregnant? They <em> just </em> got married. Why did things go so fast for her, when Frank had to wait so much, for everything? Things Frank took years to get, she got in weeks. And then she went even further, with a thoughtless, sudden wedding. And now, one year later, she was <em> pregnant? </em> Bringing one more person into all of this?</p><p>It was not that Frank didn’t want Gerard to be a dad. Of course he did, it was one of his fantasies, Gerard taking care of a baby that would be <em> theirs </em> . Jamia with a central role, being the dedicated and amazing mom she’d be, and Frank and Gerard being the most silly dads of all time. And Lindsey could have whatever role Gerard wanted her to have. It could be just a dream, but Frank wanted to <em> try </em>.</p><p>Later.</p><p>Not now. Now they had to talk about themselves, adapt to all of the changes, build something solid for their family.</p><p>Frank had plans for children, but he never thought of them coming from <em> the other side </em>.</p><p>“But… but what now?” He said what he was thinking, but regretted. “I mean… I mean, congratulations! Congratulations, Gee!”</p><p>He gave him the most genuine smile he could. Gerard smiled too, and his smile seemed truly happy, and Frank tried to be happy too. Gerard nodded, and Frank got closer, kissing his lips multiple times, whispering “congratulations”. </p><p>“Thank you,” he whispered back. “Thank you, Frankie.”</p><p>“You’re going to be such an amazing dad!”</p><p>“I hope so,” he said, sounding affected for the first time. He sniffed and kissed the corner of Frank’s mouth before moving away to talk: “I just… I’m just worried.”</p><p>“About what?” Frank asked, as if he wasn’t just as worried.</p><p>“About us.”</p><p>The guitar player kept his face serious. Came closer, touching Gerard’s hair with one of his hands.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Frank, we… It’s complicated.” He sighed. “I mean, we don’t really know what we’re doing. Jamia, Lindsey, you and I.”</p><p>“Of course we do.”</p><p>“Maybe you and I,” he corrected.</p><p>“And Jam.”</p><p>“Yeah, and Jam. But Lindsey…” Frank raised his eyebrows. “It’s not that she doesn’t know. Of course she does, we’ve all talked about this. What I mean, Frankie, is that we’re adults and we’re <em> still </em> adapting. How could a child get into this?”</p><p>“Well, they’d be the way we taught them to be. If that’s the only way of life they’ll ever know, they wouldn’t find it weird. They’ll grow up adapting, Gee. We got confused because we grew up thinking about only one way of loving, but this child will know more, so…”</p><p>“I know, but,” he snapped his tongue. “Wouldn’t you be worried if Jamia got pregnant?’</p><p>“Well, yeah,” he shrugged. “But only about being a dad, not about my relationship with Jamia or you. That’s not a problem to me.”</p><p>Gerard stared at him for a while, thoughtful. Then he sighed and moved on the mattress.</p><p>“Maybe that’s it. You’re too ready, and Jamia is too, because we’ve been doing this for years. But it’s not as easy for Lindsey, Frankie.”</p><p>“What do you mean?’</p><p>“She… She kind of asked us to stop… You know? Now that we’re having a baby. And for herself too, I believe. Because she’s pregnant and all.”</p><p>Frank freezed, his throat went tight. His hand stopped on Gerard’s hair and his eyes went round.</p><p>“What do you mean by ‘asked us to stop?’ What does she want us to stop?”</p><p>“With this,” he made a circle on the air with his pointer finger.</p><p>“I hope you’re not talking about you and I.”</p><p>Gerard didn’t say a thing.</p><p>“Gerard?” Frank insisted. “You don’t mean she asked you to break up with me because she’s pregnant.”</p><p>“She didn’t ask me to <em> break up </em>… She just… Just asked me about how things will be for now on… Because this baby is ours and…”</p><p><em> And not mine </em>, Frank completed in his mind what Gerard was not brave enough to say out loud.</p><p>“I thought Lindsey knew what we are, Gerard.”</p><p>“She does,” he nodded. “She knows, and that’s why-”</p><p>“No,” Frank shook his head. “She clearly doesn’t. Or she’d never say such an <em> absurd </em> . Gerard, this is not an affair. I’m not your fucking mistress, we’re not doing anything wrong that should end because she’s pregnant. I’m not going to steal your fucking baby, because I can have my own. But if that’s <em> your </em> baby… I mean, I’m part of your life too.”</p><p>Gerard closed his eyes, frowning lightly. He ran his hand through his forehead, stressed out. Frank stayed where he was, the anger in his voice just as present on his face.</p><p>“I know, Frankie, I know. You know that if it was just me, things would be different, but Lindsey can’t think like Jamia. And I can’t ask her that.”</p><p>“Yeah, and you also can’t ask <em> me </em> to understand. Gerard, my relationship with you doesn’t mean any less than my relationship with Jamia, and I truly hope you feel the same. It’s not because I’m not married to you that I’m just a random person, who doesn’t mean anything, who can be thrown away just because your fucking wife doesn’t want it to happen anymore!”</p><p>Gerard felt so lost, because he knew Frank was right, but couldn’t ignore the fact that Lindsey was pregnant, fragile and unsecure, aware that her husband was away with the other part of this life. </p><p>“We don’t have to decide anything now,” he said, trying to keep his voice low and calm. “We’re going to talk. Us three. Us four, actually. We’re going to decide what is the best for us and for the baby.”</p><p>“There’s nothing to decide!” Frank insisted. “I’m not letting her change anything, for all of us, and I’m not changing my mind.”</p><p>“Frank, she’s my wife.”</p><p>“And I’m your fucking boyfriend!” He said, loud. Someone grunted a sleepy “<em> shut up </em>”. “A piece of paper doesn’t change a fucking thing.”</p><p>“You know that-”</p><p>“No, listen! I don’t give a fuck if that fucking ring on your finger, or if that shitty paper you signed on make her think she has more rights in this relationship than me, because <em> she has not </em>. Gerard, we made a deal. All of us. And this deal doesn’t change because you’re having a child. We really got into this, and it means we’re staying regardless of what happens!”</p><p>“Frank, how do you think things would be if Jamia got pregnant? Do you think she’d be just fine? Do you think she’d want to raise a child in this mess?”</p><p>“Well, so I think we see things very differently. I don’t see any mess, it’s all very settled for me. And for Jamia too. We’d have our baby, and it wouldn’t change a thing between you and me.”</p><p>Gerard seemed to think about it, but his face agonized once more. Frank already knew that. He already knew what was about to happen. And he wanted to cry. </p><p>“Oh, Frankie, don’t cry,” Gerard pulled him closer when he noticed. “We’re going to solve this. We got this, Frank.”</p><p>“I can’t believe we’ve come so far to…”</p><p>“Sh…” he whispered, kissing Frank’s forehead, squeezing him in his arms. “It’s going to be okay.”</p><p>And it would probably be okay, but not for everybody. Not for Frank, certainly. He couldn’t imagine Lindsey giving in, and also couldn’t think of Gerard getting a divorce to defend them.</p><p>Ten minutes, and everything was over. </p><p>Frank cried more. He clung to Gerard, sad by what he knew that would happen, sad by not being happy with the news of his love's fatherhood. Sad for so many wrong choices, sad by knowing that the new life that was coming had nothing to do with everything that happened between them, and would carry the weight of being the cause of an end. Sad by knowing that he would still love them with all of heart, for being part of one of the loves of his life.</p><p>And maybe this was his fate - falling in love with Gerard and everything that involved him, believing he could have it all... and being surprised negatively again and again. Because he couldn't have everything. And he would never would have.</p><p><br/>
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